Kylo Ren, the smoker (script)
(after the "Barney Theme Song", Amy's mom comes home with the groceries) * Kylo Ren: Sir, I hope you got me the camel cigarettes, cause I care for cigarettes! * Michael: Cigarettes are bad, too. * Kylo Ren: Oh, but Marlboro is the best. * Michael and Amy's Mom: Here, Ren. Why don't you help me put away the groceries, you shouldn't be smoking. * Kylo Ren: Oh, good! It's looking at me! You're not gonna light my cigarette, are you?! * Michael and Amy's Mom: You've smoked before. * Kylo Ren: Well, it's been a while! * Michael: (taunting Kylo Ren) Kylo's scared of a cigarette. * Kylo Ren: I'm not scared! Cigarettes smell good, and I like the smell. Is this tobacco? * Michael: Yes, it's tobacco. And you're not getting any. * Kylo Ren: Cigarettes: good, lighter: good! Mmm, this pack of cigarettes, yummy! Mmm, this filter-- Eww, yucky tobacco! * Michael and Amy's Mom: My captor, Kylo Ren is what you might call a smoker. * Kylo Ren: Right, the brand!! I like Marlboro!! Cigarettes are the best, things in the universe!! ** (fades to the next scene where the Backyard Gang are playing in the kiddie pool) ** Luci: Okay, Michael, what is your favorite food? ** Michael: Uh, mine would be cold watermelon. ** Adam: Mine is steak. ** Tina: Macaroni and cheese. ** Jason: I like fish. ** Luci: And mine would be a salad. ** Kylo Ren: I will smoke whenever the fuck I want to. I wouldn't stop for a week... and more than anything else in the whole world, I love smoking! ** Michael: (sighs) Face it. You are a smoker. ** Barney's voice on the Barney doll: Wait a minute. Did I hear someone say "smoker"? ** Michael: Hmm? I wonder who said that? ** (the Backyard Gang get up to see Barney) ** (the magical sparkles appear on Barney who is sitting on the beach chair) ** (thunder flashes) ** (the Backyard Gang are shocked to see Barney coming to life) ** (Barney comes to life) ** Barney: (giggles) Ho ho ho! ** Michael: Barney! I know you're the one who said that! ** Barney: I did. Hi, gang. ** Tina, Luci, Jason and Adam: BARNEY! (they get out of the pool to greet Barney!) ** Tina: I miss you, Barney! ** Barney: I miss you, too, Tina. ** Luci: It sure it good to see you again, Barney! ** (music starts to the song "I Love You") *** (fades to Kylo Ren and Amy's dad in his car on the way home) *** Michael and Amy's Dad: Did you smoke another cigarettes? *** Kylo Ren: No. Some asshole took it. It was on purpose. *** Michael and Amy's Dad: (sighs) Well, we'll hafta talk about it. **** Kylo Ren: ...and Camel; I never realized how many better cigarettes there are, like Marlboro and Virginia Slims, and, uh, did I mention Marlboro Lite? **** Michael: Yes! **** Kylo Ren: And this! Good! **** (Michael and Amy's dad gives Kylo Ren a cigarette and Kylo Ren thinks he likes it) **** Michael and Amy's Dad: Kylo Ren, you don't even know what this does. How can you say you like it? **** Kylo Ren: Okay, what is this? **** Michael and Amy's Dad: Cigarettes-- it's a cancer stick. **** Michael and Amy's Mom: Ahh. **** Kylo Ren: I don't care. (he smokes his cigarette) **** Michael: (whispering) I saw that! ***** (fades to Kylo Ren and Leslie in Leslie's bedroom) ***** Kylo Ren: I'm glad you invited me over for this talk, Leslie. What're we discussing? ***** Leslie: You were smoking. ***** Kylo Ren: May I please have another? No stopping. ***** Leslie: Really? That's bad! ***** Kylo Ren: Yeah. I can't wait for your mom to make me smoke another cigarette. (whispering in Leslie's ear) I hope my lighter is on the table. ***** Leslie: Oh, I get it. ***** (fades to Kylo Ren and Leslie at dinnertime) ***** (Leslie's mom lights up Kylo Ren's cigarette) ***** Kylo Ren: Is this the best? ***** Leslie's Mom: No. It's bad. Stop it. ***** Kylo Ren: Hmph. Nicotine is a kind of addictive drug and-- ***** (Leslie is about to drink a glass of milk but she sneezes onto the meatball, making it roll off the table) ***** (music starts to the song "On Top of Spaghetti") ***** Kylo Ren: Eww! ****** Leslie: (after the song "On Top of Spaghetti") Mom, Dad. Come look what I just did. ****** (Leslie's parents come outside) ****** Leslie's Mom: (gasps) Oh, no! Leslie, what've you done? ****** Leslie: I sneezed onto the meatball and it rolled away. But now it's nothing but mush. That's why I'm allergic to milk. ****** Leslie's Mom: Leslie, I told you not to drink milk. ****** Leslie's Dad: You should drink something else instead. ****** Leslie: Yeah, I won't be sneezing onto my meatball tonight. ****** Leslie's Mom: So what will you drink next time. ****** Leslie: Well, I'll drink orange juice but I love orange juice. ****** Leslie's Dad: Oh, that's a great choice, Leslie! ****** Kylo Ren: Brr. It's cold out there. ****** Leslie: C'mon. Let's go back inside. ****** Kylo Ren: Yeah. ****** (everybody goes back inside) ******* (Kylo Ren and his slaves are at a fancy restaurant) ******* (the waiter brings dinner to Kylo Ren and his slave's table) ******* Michael and Amy's Dad: Mmm. Looks good. ******* Kylo Ren: (pulls out a pack of cigarettes) Cigarettes, the best. (opens the pack) There, trash. (pulls out a cigarettes) There, good and healthy. (puts a cigarette in his mouth) Hey, this is a cigarette! What kinda place is this?! ******* Michael: Uh-oh! He's gonna smoke! ******* Kylo Ren: This is my cigarette. ******* Waiter: Is this right? ******* Kylo Ren: This is my cigarette. (gets angry) AND I WILL FUCKING SMOKE!!! (Lights up his cigarettes, causing the waiter to get sick) ******* (everybody gasps) ******* Kylo Ren: Uh-oh! ******* Waiter: That's it. I quit. ******* Michael and Amy's Mom: (yelling furious) Kylo Ren! ******* (Kylo Ren smokes) ******* (fades to Kylo Ren and his slaves arriving home) ******* Barney: Back so soon? Did you have a good time? ******* Michael: Kylo Ren was smoking in a public place... in front of the waiter and everybody is sick. ******* Kylo Ren: I know! Everybody's wanting me arrested! ******* Michael and Amy's Mom: No more restaurants for you, Kylo, until you can behave and learn to stop smoking. ******* Michael and Amy's Dad: (yelling furious) You're going to damage your lungs! Now get out!! ******* Kylo Ren: Okay. (gets out of the house) ******* Michael: What about grandma's birthday at Once Upon a Restaurant next week? ******* Michael and Amy's Dad: Kylo Ren will not be joining us. ******* Michael: (groaning) Ohh! Too bad it wouldn't be a "happy birthday" if Kylo Ren wasn't there. ******* Barney: Don't worry, Michael. We'll wait until he gets over the smoking. ******* Michael: Oh, okay. ******* (fades to Kylo Ren outside) ******* (music starts to the song "This is Not My Day") ******** (after the song, "This Is Not My Day", it fades to the next day where Barney and the Backyard Gang (expect Kylo Ren) are bored in the backyard) ******** Michael: Poor Kylo! ******** Tina: He has been a bad man yesterday. ******** Adam: Barney, how come Kylo Ren left? ******** Barney: Well, when Kylo Ren smoked a cigarette at a fancy restaurant, Amy's parents got mad and he can't go to any restaurants at all! ******** Cabot: Aw, that's sad. ******** Harlow: Barney, what should we do now? ******** Barney: How about ********* (at the park, Michael rides his bicycle to the park, where he meets Kylo Ren at the sidewalk) ********* Michael: Hey Ren., wanna ride bikes with me? ********* Kylo Ren: Sure! I'll get my... Hey, wait a minute! What are you trying to pull here? ********* Michael: Nothing! It's the Smoker's Clinic! Let's stop and take a look. Look, Ren, there's a therapist! ********* Kylo Ren: A therapist? Where? Where? ********* Michael: And are those ponies? ********* Kylo Ren: Pony-- ********* Michael: Wouldn't you like to see the unicorn up close on Saturday at our grandma's birthday party? ********* Kylo Ren: Yes! ********* Michael: Really? ********* Amy: Sure, but how're we gonna get it to your house? ********* Category:Star Wars